A People Pleaser’s Guide to Setting Boundaries With Others
You know you’re a people pleaser if you always suppress your needs and desires to put others ahead of you. While you may interpret this attitude as kindness, it reeks of people-pleasing, and it’s not healthy. You must learn to set boundaries and let everyone around you know what’s okay and what’s not. Setting boundaries helps you communicate what you need, what you are okay with, and teach others how to respect you.
The first set of people you want to set boundaries for is your family and friends. These folks are closer to you than everyone else and can easily take advantage of your lack of boundaries. They must know there are limits to what they can do to you, for you, with you, or otherwise. If they don’t, they would think that ‘everything goes’ and abuse is inevitable.
It might seem intimidating if you’ve not set boundaries before, but it is doable, and you’ll feel much better after taking that step. This guide will help you make a move and do it right.
Table of Contents
Signs That You Are a People-Pleaser
So that nothing is lost in translation, see if you or anyone you know is a people-pleaser. Here are tell-tale signs of people-pleasers:
- Saying NO to people doesn’t come naturally to you
- You love doing things for other people
- You keep helping others even though it affects you
- Doing more work, so you don’t disappoint anyone
- Going out of your way to avoid disagreements
- Not wanting to be disliked or unappreciated
- Apologizing for things you didn’t cause
- Disregarding your feelings, perspectives, and beliefs
There’s more, but if most of these behaviors describe you, you are most likely a people-pleaser. It’s not terrible that you’re this way, but you’ll have a much better life if you set boundaries.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you have to be a terrible person. Boundaries merely introduce self-love so you can create some balance and ensure you’re not stressing or creating anxiety for yourself as you relate with others. It is a healthy approach to boosting your self-esteem and productivity levels.
Steps to Setting Boundaries for Family and Friends
Self-awareness
The first step to setting boundaries for yourself is self-discovery. You must discover who you are, your likes and dislikes, your passions and interests, how you feel about things, and more. When you know what you want, you can start to consider yourself before others. Also, when you know how you feel about certain topics, you can take a walk or ask for a change of topic.
How can you become self-aware? Simple, ask yourself questions, and it could be about anything. Don’t attempt to be modest with your answers, be honest. Keep up this exercise, and you’re on your way to setting boundaries and keeping people from walking over you. Here are some questions you could start with:
- Am I okay with my friends entering my room?
- Do I prefer staying alone sometimes?
- What social activities do I prefer?
- What questions are too sensitive for me to answer?
You must decide what works for you because if you don’t, other people will decide for you. You don’t want that to happen. No matter how good their intentions or close they are to you, you will likely get the shorter end of the stick. And that leads to more frustration, stress, and anxiety. Decide to become more self-aware today.
Know Who You Are
Building up your confidence and understanding of who God says you are or who you know you are is an important place to start. Anxiety around communicating your needs may be caused by insecurities.
Utilizing affirmations is one way of improving your self-esteem, another is by completing tasks and checking them off. Completing tasks that are important toward reaching your goals helps you increase your dopamine. Goal setting is important in feeling confident and it helps you progress through life and it decreases anxiety and depression.
This helps individuals figure out how to focus on simple goals and work towards attaining them by approaching anxiety holistically.
- What are legitimate boundaries?
- How do I effectively manage my digital life so that it doesn't control me?
- What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
- How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
- Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
- How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?
- Aren't boundaries selfish?
Communicate Your Feelings
Now that you know yourself, the next step is to communicate and express your desires to the people in your life. This is the only way your family and friends can know there’s something different about you and begin to adapt to these changes. Chin up, keep your shoulders high, and communicate your boundaries. And yes, your boundaries are born out of the self-awareness exercise.
Use a list of emotions to help you describe how you are feeling or to teach your children how to communicate how they feel. This helps bring awareness and allows you to begin problem-solving about why you feel that way.
Tell them where you stand with things – what you can and cannot tolerate and everything else. They will see the picture clearly and align when you draw those lines. It may take time for some people to respect your boundaries, so you shouldn’t compromise. They’re probably still getting used to the new you, and they will, eventually.
As a people-pleaser, you might feel reluctant to communicate your feelings to others.
You may consider how uncomfortable or offended they might feel, or it could create an awkward situation. Remember, you’re doing this for yourself, and nothing should get in your way. Of course, you should communicate your boundaries respectfully and be kind to the other person. There’s no need to be mean or seem imposing.
If you do this right, you can rest assured that your loved ones will understand and adjust. Those who take it the wrong way or can’t seem to accept you should probably not be in your circle.
Don’t Compromise or Relapse
Your decision to set boundaries and treat yourself right should be enduring. Don’t look back, and don’t go back to getting walked over by others. If you have decided to do something or not do something, train yourself to adapt. Your consistency is crucial for setting boundaries because why should anyone respect them if you can’t?
Some things that could lead to relapse include apologizing for your boundaries, modifying them to suit people, or outrightly jettisoning them sometimes. You have to be resolute and don’t compromise on your standards. The people who genuinely love you will accept you with your boundaries and support you every step.
- Define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids
- Set limits and still be a loving parent
- Bring balance to an out-of-control family life
- Apply the ten laws of boundaries to your parenting
- Understand the six steps to implementing boundaries in your home
Compliment What You Like
In order to not just focus on all of the things, you do not like that other people do try focusing on what you do like. For example, when someone disagrees with you and they do not yell and they disagree respectfully, compliment them on approaching this matter with you in a respectful manner.
Communicate what you do appreciate about your friends and family and how you feel about them. When setting boundaries try to compliment them first or say “I love you and I know your intentions are good, but I feel hurt when you make comments about my weight“.
This way they do not hear only the pet peeves you have with them but also the things you do like about them. Setting boundaries properly can be healthy for both you and the other people in your life so that they know how to respect you without doubting themselves.
Setting boundaries does not have to be a negative thing, it is how we teach other people how to treat us.
What Is The Worst That Can Happen?
Ask yourself what is the worst-case scenario if you set this boundary with this person? Most of the time if they care about you and respect you then they will have no problem setting that boundary even if they disagree.
Try journaling out the worst-case scenario you think will happen if you have that conversation with someone. If you need to practice it out loud, try talking to a therapist to work out any fears you have around setting that boundary.
Depression is a common symptom associated with people-pleasing if you feel like your needs are rarely met. CBT or cognitive-behavioral therapy can be used to decrease feelings of depression by changing thoughts and behaviors.
Last Words
People-pleasing will endear you to many people, increasing your popularity and how much people need you. This will play to your ego, and you could get comfortable with the lifestyle. But if you take a step back and evaluate things, you will find that you deny your need to please others, and that’s a less than ideal situation.
Show yourself love, by setting healthy boundaries and informing your close friends and family. You will feel the burden of constantly pleasing people lifted from your shoulders and become more productive and self-assured.
Originally posted 2022-06-23 18:49:47.
Megan Santiago
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